22 yrs in the LS, married 27, ask me anything you wish someone had answered for you when you started
88 upvotes · 6 answers · 1990 views
mods feel free to remove if this isnt the format, im honestly just procrastinating folding laundry on a sunday night and figured id throw the doors open.
f55 he 58, married 27, in the LS since 2004 — yes, before the apps, when it was yahoo groups and a single sketchy website with a star wars name. we've done basically every version. clubs, house parties, regulars, MFM, FFM, group, breaks, vacations, lifestyle resorts, one disastrous quad attempt around yr 11, a 3 yr break from 2015-2018 when his mom was dying, and now a slower steady pace of mostly travel + a small circle of 4 vet couples.
i was reading some threads on here from newer couples and a lot of the questions had me thinking "i wish someone had told us X". and there are also questions us long timers DONT see anymore bc we've forgotten what it's like to not know. so im opening it up.
ask anything. how we've stayed married, what almost broke us (a real list), how we handled jealousy at 32 vs 52 (different beasts), what aging in the lifestyle is actually like, what the scene was like in 2005 vs now, when we knew a regular couple wasn't gonna work, the talk about retiring from the LS, sex frequency in a 27 yr marriage where lifestyle is also a thing, how our kids never found out (we still get questions about that one), whether we'd do it all over again, any of it. im here for a couple hours.
only thing i wont answer is anything that gives away identifying info, including the city and the resort we go to most. learned that the hard way in like 2012.
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★ not OP but as someone at yr 13 in the LS who's been lurking in this thread waiting for someone to ask the real question — ill ask it. what almost broke you. give us the actual list. we never hear from long timers about the close calls bc by the time you're 22 yrs in everyone assumes you sailed thru. but the closer calls are exactly what the rest of us need to hear about, bc we're in the middle of some of them right now and we don't know if it's the kind of thing couples come back from or the kind where you should've seen the iceberg. the meta answer im also looking for in your story is the pattern — was it always the same shape of thing (one person developing feelings, jealousy spiral, lying about something small, etc) or did the threats evolve as the marriage got older. that pattern alone would be the most useful thing a 22 yr couple could give to the rest of us, more useful than any tip about jealousy or technique or anything. the long arc isn't about getting good at swinging. its about not getting blindsided. tell us how you didnt get blindsided. or how you DID and what you did about it.
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what was the quad disaster. only sharing if you wanna but im currently in something thats trying to become a quad and im scared.
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how did you handle the jealousy difference at 32 vs 52. genuinely curious bc im 36 and the jealousy hits like a freight train still and ppl always say it gets easier but i wanna hear from someone who actually has the 20 yr data.
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yahoo groups era couples are a treasure. you've seen the scene transform like 4 times. what was the BEST era and why.
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how did your kids never find out. like ACTUALLY. im paranoid about this and we've only been in 4 yrs. 22 yrs is wild.
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would you do it again. yes or no. and if you went back to 2004 would you start sooner or later.
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