compersion as a goal you should aim for vs a byproduct that happens or doesnt — where do you actually land

this is the conversation that wont quit in our friend group rn so im bringing it here. two camps as far as i can tell. camp one: compersion is something you cultivate, like a skill or a muscle, and if you're not feeling it in your ENM you should be working on it bc otherwise youre tolerating not thriving. camp two: compersion is just what you happen to feel sometimes when seeing your partner happy with someone else, and trying to force it is fake and harmful, and the actual goal is "no distress" not "active joy". im f37 m39, married 11 yrs, LS for 4. and honestly i feel compersion maybe 60% of the time when dh is enjoying himself with someone else. the other 40% im neutral. i dont feel jealous, i dont feel sad, i just feel... nothing in particular. like watching him win at chess. nice for him, no skin off mine. camp one folks would tell me thats actually a problem and i should be feeling more. camp two folks would tell me neutrality is healthy and chasing 100% compersion is a poly-purity thing thats more about identity than wellbeing. the question underneath this for me is. is "compersion as the standard" actually a structural pressure on women in ENM specifically. bc the loudest compersion advocacy ive seen is aimed at women who arent feeling it. how much of "you should cultivate compersion" is wellness language hiding "you should stop complaining". feels worth interrogating.