He cheated 18 months ago. We're thinking of opening the relationship now and I can't tell if it's healing or a mistake.

Our therapist asks me the same question every session. "Are you sure you're not motivated by control? Or by revenge?" I tell her no, every time, and every time I leave her office in Stoke Newington unsure whether I just lied. 18 months ago I found out my husband had been having a four-month affair with a colleague. The phone-left-open kind of discovery. Confrontation, confession, the worst three weeks of my life. We did nine months of couples therapy with her. He did individual too. He left the company, changed his phone, did every textbook remorseful-partner move. We're maybe 70% recovered, which is more than I expected at month 6. Three months ago I started reading about ethical non-monogamy. I don't even fully know why. To understand what would have happened if he'd asked instead of cheated, I think. I went deep, Polysecure, Ethical Slut, the podcasts. Two months ago I told him I was curious, not as punishment, not as "you got to so now I do", but as a genuine "I wonder what we'd be like with this framework". He's been receptive. Almost too receptive, which is why I'm suspicious of myself. We've done two munches in London, very vanilla, just talking, no play. F38, two kids, Hackney, married twelve years. From inside it feels like real interest, born after the affair but not because of it. From outside I imagine I look like every cliché article about she's using non-monogamy to process trauma. Anyone been here? Did opening up actually heal or did it eventually blow up?