i think i'm using the lifestyle to avoid leaving him

i don't even know if i can post this. but. okay. married 9 years, Brooklyn, two kids, husband is a good man, decent dad, boring in bed, boring at dinner, boring on vacation. been 'open' for 18 months. i told myself it was to spice things up. now i think the truth is every time i meet someone new it gives me a reason to stay another month, because the next one might be the one i can have without ending my whole life. i've had five connections, two were serious-ish, one of them just ended last week, he chose his wife. i cried for two days and i wasn't even crying about him i was crying because i have to go back to the version of my life i was running from. the bedroom is the same color it's been for eight years, this weird dusty pink we never repainted. anyway. is that what swinging is for some people. a stalling pattern. has anyone here actually used it to figure out they wanted out, vs used it to stay. and how do you tell which one you're doing while you're doing it. i don't want advice about my marriage. i want to know if anyone else recognized themselves in this and what happened.