is DADT actually a working ENM structure or are we just calling avoidance "ethical" now

ok so this has been rattling in my head for a few months and i wanna hear from people who actually live it not theory people on reddit. we're F38 M41, married 12 yrs, been in the LS for about 4. started with same-room only, slowly moved to soft swap, then full swap, and now we're sort of full ENM but with a structure that another couple at our home club calls "DADT-lite". basically we both can play separately with people we've already met as a couple, but we don't go into detail when we get home. its not "lie to my face" its more "spare me the highlight reel". it works?? i think?? but the longer we do it the more im wondering if were actually using DADT as a workaround to not have hard conversations. like, the original sell was "less anxiety bc less detail" but ngl i think part of me chose it bc the detail would hurt and i didn't wanna do the work to be ok with the detail. which feels like... emotional avoidance dressed up as a relationship structure tbh. people who have done DADT for years — does it stay working, or does it eventually crack? and the people who started DADT and moved to full transparency, what pushed you? im not asking which is "right" im asking if anyone has actually examined whether the structure is honest about its own motives.