married to a vicar, ive been quietly LS curious for years, please help

this is going to sound mad but bear with me. my husband is a C of E vicar in a rural parish, weve been married 12yrs and to be clear he doesnt know any of this and i havent done anything yet. but ive been LS curious since basically forever and the older i get (mid 40s now) the more its eating at me. obvs the conflict here is enormous, his entire career, the parish, the diocese, my role as vicar's wife in this tiny community... i cant talk to anyone i know about any of this. has anyone been in a similar situation, partner in clergy or similar high public role with strong moral expectations, where you've had to either suppress it, leave the marriage, or somehow find a way? im not looking for permission im just looking for honesty from ppl whove been there. feel like im going slightly mad tbh...