my brother in law is a pastor and he just figured out we are in the lifestyle. were agnostic, family christmas is in 3 wks

sweaty palms typing this. quick context. f39 he 42, married 14 yrs, no kids by choice, lifestyle 4 yrs. we are pretty agnostic, were both raised lightly catholic, neither of us is religious now. my husbands brother is a pastor at a non-denominational church in a small southern town. very kind man. genuinely loving guy. has a wife (sweet) and 3 kids (under 10). they live a 6 hr drive from us and we see them at thanksgiving and christmas only. what happened. his wife (the pastor wife) follows my wife on instagram and at thanksgiving she asked my husband privately if we were "going through something" because shed seen my wife had liked a post by a lifestyle adjacent influencer who is fairly well known in the community. (the influencer doesnt have lifestyle in the bio explicitly but the content if you know you know, and she clearly knew.) and shed apparently mentioned it to my brother in law. now my brother in law texted my husband last week. text said "i love you, im not judging you, but i feel like i need to ask if there is something happening in your marriage that you might want to talk about. i am here as a brother first." like the most pastoral text you can imagine. exactly the right tone. you cant be mad at it. my husband and i sat at the kitchen table and went through every option. lie. half lie. ignore. answer. and we landed on... we dont know what to do. christmas at their house is in 3 wks. it would be the first time we see them after this text. ignoring it is gonna make christmas weird. answering it commits us to a position w a pastor in the family forever. he is not going to "out" us to anyone. we both believe that. he is a discreet person and pastors as a profession are professionally discreet ppl. that part im not worried abt. what we ARE worried abt is — once this is named between us and him, every christmas dinner forever is going to have this third presence at the table. and his wife knows too which means we have 2 ppl over there who know. oh and another thing... his church specifically preaches against "non traditional marriage structures" in sermons (we have heard it once at his sons baptism). so even tho HE seems open and loving in the text, he is professionally embedded in a theology that finds what we do to be a sin. its a tension HE has to manage. and i dont know how to factor that in. what do you say to a religious family member when they ask you, with love, if your marriage is in the lifestyle. and do you say it BEFORE christmas or wait until you can sit on his porch and have the convo without 3 kids underfoot