pnd nearly broke me, the baby is 2 now, my husband is patient but i dont know how to come back to the LS as this body and this brain

going anon obviously bc this is hard to say even into the void. im 33, dh is 36, married 6 yrs, in the LS for about a yr before i got pregnant, baby is now 2.5, cape town. the pregnancy was hard, the birth was harder, postnatal depression hit at about 4 months and lasted nearly 18 months. i was on the floor. medicated, in therapy, the whole apparatus. it was the worst period of my life and im still putting myself back together. ive been "ok" for about 8 months now. weve slowly started rebuilding our sex life — properly slowly, lots of false starts, lots of "i thought i was ready and im not" moments. last few months things have come back online between us. its not the same as before. its softer, less performative, more conversational. its actually quite lovely. he hasnt brought up the LS once in nearly 3 yrs. literally not once. he has been a saint. but i know he misses it. and now that im actually starting to feel like a person again im starting to think about it too and im finding i dont know how to even begin. why im stuck. my body is different. i breast fed for 14 months, ive got the stretch marks, the c section scar, the pouch, ive lost most of the baby weight but not all and im definitely not where i was. and the LS i remember was a version of me with a confidence in my body i dont have anymore. also my brain is different. things that didnt bother me before bother me now. small comments, jealousy flashes, comparing myself, the works. and were different as a couple — weve been thru the closest thing to hell our marriage has ever seen and we've come out tighter but more careful. the slightly reckless energy that took us into the LS in the first place isnt there. oh and theres the practical bit — we have a 2 yr old. babysitters. cost. exhaustion. and underneath all of it just genuine fear of opening this door and finding out that the post-pnd version of me cant handle it and going backwards. im not asking should we go back. im asking — anyone whos rebuilt the LS post-pnd, post-major-mental-health, with a young child in the house, how did u start. what did u start WITH. was it always different than before. did u know if it was right to come back at all or did u just experiment carefully and let the answer find u