soft + condom on for safety only — overkill or just smart

we're soft swap only but ive been thinking about something. for oral specifically. some couples we play with insist on condoms even for BJs and some are like "we're soft only why would we need that". my wife thinks if we're NOT doing PIV the condom thing is paranoid and kills the mood. i think herpes/HPV/etc dont actually care if its "soft" play, theyre still transmitted. who's right here and how do u handle this practically — do u carry condoms even to soft-only nights or is that going overboard. also kinda hard to bring up without making the other couple feel accused of being unclean