the "ethical" in ENM — is the bar actually higher than vanilla relationships or are we just patting ourselves on the back

genuine philosophical itch i've had for a while. we use the phrase "ethical non-monogamy" like the ethical bit is doing something specific — to distinguish us from cheaters, basically. the implicit claim is that we're running our relationships at a higher ethical standard than the median vanilla couple. consent, communication, transparency, sti talks, full informed adulthood. the whole package. f40 m44, ENM for 7 yrs, two long-term play partners between us. and the longer im in this scene the less sure i am that the ethical bar is genuinely higher than what serious vanilla couples are running on. like — i know plenty of monog couples who run their marriages with extraordinary care, deep communication, full transparency about everything except sex with others (which they have no need for). meanwhile ive met ENM couples who treat their third parties as disposable, use "ethical" as a brand identity, and run their consent conversations as box-ticking. so. is "ethical non-monogamy" a higher ethical standard, or is it the same ethical standard with one extra topic on the agenda. and are we maybe overselling our own ethics bc we've had to construct the framework explicitly while monog couples inherit it implicitly. what does "ethical" actually claim and does the average ENM couple meet that claim. brutal honesty welcomed.