the hotwifing weekend we keep planning and then cancelling

this is our 4th year of "yeah lets plan the weekend properly". i love the idea, wife loves the idea, theres a guy lined up we both like, weekends literally been booked twice and refunded twice. last time it was 3 weeks out and i had a panic about whether id be ok actually sitting in the next room while it happened, and i made some excuse about her mum being ill (she wasnt, sorry mum). i dont know if im looking for permission to bail forever, or if im just being a wuss. how do you tell the difference

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