Two years after breast cancer, my husband and I want to come back to the lifestyle. Terrified of being looked at.

Last month, over dinner and a second glass of wine, my husband floated the question carefully. Not pushed, just floated. "Would you ever want to go back to a party?" I said maybe. I haven't slept properly since. Quick context: Brooklyn, the Park Slope hosted soft swap circuit some of you might know, we used to do it maybe four times a year between 2018 and 2022. Then late 2022, stage 2 breast cancer. Mastectomy on the left, reconstruction that genuinely didn't go great (complications, the symmetry is honestly bad), six months of chemo, then radiation. I'm 18 months post-treatment now, clear, but I look different. Smaller on one side, scars, nipple reconstruction never really took. My husband sees me every day. He doesn't flinch. A stranger in a Park Slope brownstone who showed up hoping for a hot night might, and that's the part eating me. I don't want pity, I don't want hidden recoil, I don't want to ruin somebody else's evening either. Has anyone been here? How did you handle the first time back? Did you tell hosts in advance, did you stay covered longer, did you just rip the bandaid off? I genuinely don't know how to walk into that room again.