veto power between spouses in the LS — necessary safety net or controlling under nice branding

so we've had a veto clause from day one — either of us can call off any potential play partner, no questions asked, no negotiation. used it maybe 4 times in 6 yrs, twice by me twice by him. always smoothly. but i was reading a polyam thread last week and the entire vibe was "veto is coercive and you should outgrow it" and im sitting here going. is it tho? f41 m43 lifestyle 6 yrs, two long-term play couples we see semi-regularly, no romantic outside partners. our veto isn't about pulling rank, its about either of us being able to say "this person is making me uncomfortable in a way i can't fully articulate and i need this not to happen". its never been used as a power move, its been used as a gut-check override. the anti-veto argument as i understand it: it treats the third person as disposable, it denies your spouse autonomy, it locates control in the couple unit rather than in each person. and i hear all that. especially if veto is used after a relationship has formed, like coming in 6 months later and demanding it end — that does sound bad. but pre-veto, the kind we use, where we've only met someone twice and one of us says "no thanks" — that feels structurally different. its declining an entry not severing a tie. people who used to have veto and got rid of it — what changed. people who still use it — how do you keep it from becoming the thing the anti-veto crowd warns about. is the "no veto" position only really workable in polyam or is it possible in an LS marriage too.